My son,

Before you were born a great debate raged across your body.    Regarding a deeply intimate matter, a number of people felt it necessary to voice their concerns, to suggest, and even compel, us to follow their course of action.   That action, of course, was whether or not to have you circumcised.   The decision fell upon my shoulders, as I have more masculine energy and identify more as your ‘lesbian father' than as ‘mother number two.'   It wasn't an easy decision, yet the answer was clear to me after intense searching.   In my deepest heart of hearts, there was no possible way I could bring myself to inflict that type of pain and trauma upon your tiny body, new and helpless in this unknown and alien world outside your mother's womb.

Maybe you will have the great fortune for this never to be an issue.   We currently live in the Northwestern United States, where uncircumcised boys equal the number of circumcised and attitudes generally frown upon the practice.    Globally, circumcision is in the minority, though not here in the U.S. as a whole.   By the time you read this, you may wonder why I even bothered to write to you on such a topic.   Yet at the time of writing, electing to leave you intact is a fairly controversial decision, and I feel you deserve full disclosure.  

You need to understand that for many, circumcision is genital mutilation, a cruel, archaic, unnecessary and barbaric practice that doesn't deserve the dialogue I give it here on these pages.   The latter part of this, I feel, is a tragic mistake.   No matter how abhorrent the practice may be to some, it is equally sacred to others, including myself.   The decision to leave you intact was one of the most painful spiritual decisions I have ever made, and you need, you must , understand why.  

  I hope by the time you read this that I have taught you to see past the false dichotomies which people everywhere construct to divide the world into clean, neat categories they can more readily understand.   I hope, by this point, that you recognize there is far greyer in life than black and white.   The greys are the tones that set the realities of our lives, but they also cause the most conflict.

Medical and scientific reasons, while valid, are only the most minor, cursory and superficial explanations for my decision.   The deeper one, the most significant one, is rooted deep in our identity as a Jewish family, or, perhaps more aptly said, our tenuous identity as Jewish (about this, I will say more in a moment).   Traditionally, Jews regard circumcision as physical proof of the covenant between G-d and man, a tangible lineage connecting thousands of years of Jewish tradition, all the way back to Abraham (who circumsized himself at the tender age of ninety).   For me to deny you this is tantamount to casting you into the wilderness, disconnecting you from G-d and the community.   Either I cut off a highly sensitive section of the most intimate place on your body, or you are cut off from your people. Circumcision is the most central act I can provide for you in establishing your Jewish heritage.   And I cannot do this, my son, for reasons personal and spiritual.

I have suffered greatly at the hands of organized religion.   I have not intended this letter to be about my pain, yet I promised you full disclosure and I will reveal as much as necessary.   I have been hurt psychologically, sexually and otherwise physically in ways many others could not fathom.   I do not intend this as hyperbole, nor will I offer any more detail here, for the details are irrelevant.   It is the pathway that is important.

I want you to understand that it is precisely my faith that compels me against circumcision.   I came to the Jewish faith and community after many long, painful years of spiritual journeying, armed with great skepticism and wariness because of previous experiences with organized religion.   I was not born Jewish; indeed I am far removed from any Jewish blood whatsoever in my family.   I became Jewish by choice, a fact that I hold dear each morning I recite the Sh'ma.   As an adult woman, I approached Judaism fully capable of consent and critical inquiry.   I battled with many inner demons, not the least of which was my own inner cynicism.

It's important for you to understand all of this because, as the son of two lesbian women, your path in life will hold unique challenges for you. Though I do not wish it, I think it realistic to assume you will encounter intolerance and discrimination based on the simple truths that construct your identity.   The validity of your family will always be questioned, even attacked.   By electing to keep you intact, I'm placing you in a position where you may find your ‘Jewishness' under attack as well.   Neither of your moms were born Jewish, and both of us entered into the community from a Reconstructionist synagogue.   That alone makes our status as ‘Jewish” questionable in certain circles.   How tempting it would be do something significant because I'm Jewish and that's what Jews do!    So I am.    I'm questioning, Gabriel, because that's what Jews do.   I refuse to do the thing critical to the Jewish narrative that has been done to male infants since Abraham to symbolize the covenant because of my faith .   I have a knack, it seems, for making life difficult for you.

You must understand that to those who have lived differently, who have not experienced what I have, and especially those who have been born Jewish, circumcision is more than a ritual.   It is a holy act connecting you back to generations of Jews who have also suffered.   It is acknowledgement that faith, true faith, comes with painful decisions.   It is recognition that we must allow ourselves to heal in order to preserve this world and our Contract with God.   It is a sacred mitvot.  

I do not come from this tradition, Gabriel.   I come from a tradition where people follow the “words of God” blindly and without consideration.   This mindset leads, in my experience to needless and senseless pain, suffering and oppression.   Circumcision, in my history, has never been about anything more than making sure the man-child fits in, and even that much consideration is surprising.    I do not have the spiritual enculturation that provides the backdrop for such powerful symbolism.   I have not grown up in households where the brit is celebrated with great joy.   I have not grown up in a household where circumcision is anything more than “what you do.”   So, to me, cutting your flesh carries only the pain and burden of oppression and suffering that I have spent a lifetime attempting to escape.

I owe you an apology in advance.   I cannot overcome my own human pain and experience enough to honor the Brit that you should undergo by Jewish tradition.   I wish I could offer it to you, but I cannot.   Yes, your life as a Jew will be one of many hard choices, and your identity as a Jew will probably be questioned many times.   I have not made life easy for you, Gabriel.   I am truly sorry.   Yet it is my duty as a parent not to protect you, but to prepare you.   

I intend to raise you in a Jewish household, observing those traditions that observe the sanctity of tikkun olam .   Your mother and I must choose the practices that we feel best represent the beauty and potential of Judaism, and we must filter out the practices that have developed because humans in power can simply be cruel to one another. You will be aware and respect the sanctity of the great spiritual systems of all the world.   You will grow up learning how these systems, including Judaism, have been used to oppress others and cause tremendous pain and suffering in the world.   You will grow up learning, and figuring out, how these systems can be vehicles for peace and understanding.   There will be no path we shall close to you, providing it is one that causes no suffering or oppression.

The day may come, and to be honest I hope it does, when you choose to continue your life as a Jewish man.   It may come to you then that the symbolic meaning of circumcision means much to you.   Should that be the case, Gabriel, then I elect to give you the power to make that decision as a man.   It is up to you to walk to G-d of your own free will and decide whether that rite is significant or not.   It is not an easy decision, and I do not envy you.   Circumcision as an adult is extremely painful, the recovery time long.   Yet it is your choice.   Should you elect to take it, I will be there for you, providing strength and support, as I always will and as I always have.    A tough decision, but I can offer you this, dear one, with resolute affirmation purchased solely from experience: physical pain is only the most miniscule type of pain a human could hope to face in a lifetime.

Perhaps it is not enough to be the ‘Chosen' people, but to instead be the ‘Choosing' people, to be the ones who think critically and intelligently about our practices and traditions, forever honing them into a system that truly values the cessation of suffering, oppression and unnecessary pain in this world.   I, for one, will do my part; and I will begin by honoring and respecting the sanctity of your body.

You are loved, Gabriel.

Your baba,

Ty