Feature

1999-2000 Tater Awards

As goes the year, so go the Tater Awards. There are only seven categories to begin with, and in the end, only seven lucky individuals/organizations/trends make the cut. This year the finalists were all worthy and the voting (carried out by secret ballot at the May 17 OC staff meeting) was close in all categories - except for Woman of the Year, for which frequent pariah Gabbe was the unanimous choice. The categories changed slightly this year, with Professor of the Year giving way to the broader Faculty of the Year, but everything else is the same, as is these awards' purpose: to highlight this campus' most flagrant examples of arrogance, stupidity, malfeasance, incompetence and misconduct. Enjoy.

Man of the Year

Melissa "Munger" Unger

Melissa Unger has arrived on the scene and has followed her brother's footsteps to become one of the biggest targets for the OC this year. For those of you who aren't familiar with Munger, let us give you a short run-down: She's wasted thousands of your dollars with OSPIRG, illegally campaigned on behalf of C.J. and Peter as their campaign manager, and was a large contributor to the WRC protest. Have you had enough? We have.

Woman of the Year

C.J. "What, Me Worry?" Gabbe

Oh C.J., you must look back at this year and really kick yourself. You got a well-connected, marginally diverse running mate and campaign manager, outspent your opponents three-fold, and campaigned your little tail off. But you lost, and by a pretty convincing margin. And now to top it all off, you've been named Woman of the Year. But, hey, look at it like this: at least you won something.

Student Group of the Year

Justice For All

What do you get when you add Scott Austin to a fledgling student group? Answer: A mix of fun, excitement and pro-life hijinks. Justice For All contributed to probably one of the most controversial events to hit the campus when they helped sponsor the Genocide Awareness Project last fall. In order to protect the sanctity of human life, they chose to show some of the most horrific pictures on the face of the Earth. Here's something to remember: anything taken from the human body looks disgusting. It could be an aborted fetus; it could be a gall bladder - either way it will gross you out. Now the group has been granted student money so next year your incidental fees will pay to bring the grotesque images back to campus. Long live Southworth.

Hack of the Year

Jen Evans, Oregon Voice

Wasting no time out of the gates as Executive Editor of the Oregon Voice, Evans worked overtime to produce the single worst issue of the Voice this year. The Voice's Annual Sex Issue proved one thing, and that's that down at the Voice, nobody's getting any. Mad with power as she may be (her name appears on almost every page, sometimes multiple times), this queen has no subjects. Since fall term, the masthead has slowly thinned out; what were once a few dozen rejects are now just a few rejects. If the magazine continues on for more than another year or so without being forcibly taken over, it'll be a goddamned miracle. The Voice may have sucked this year, but the way things are shaping up, next year Jen is going to shoot the moon.

Faculty of the Year

Dave Frohnmayer

Once just a washed up gubernatorial candidate, now responsible for one of the most costly mistakes in University history: President Dave Frohnmayer. Take our advice, Dave, when 30 million dollars is on the line, it doesn't hurt to make a 30 cent phone call to ensure that your bumbling and fumbling won't cost the UO the single largest donation ever. You lacked the foresight to see the possible consequences of your decisions; now present and future students will have to pay the difference. Dave, we have staff positions available after you get canned.

Rising Star

Sarah Jacobson, WRC

Until the Worker Rights Consortium hit the big time, Sarah was just another unwashed and slightly dazed inhabitant of Suite Four. Today, when not saving the indigenous people of third-world countries from the hands of ruthless industrialists, Jacobson spends most of her time getting letters printed in the Op-Ed page of the New York Times, plotting future blows to the evil regime of global capital, and talking on her cell phone. With the WRC up for review in just a year's time, look for her name to pop up again and again and again and again.

Debacle of the Year

WRC/Knight Tug-of-War

Phil Knight may not be the world's most popular guy at the moment, but the fact that he can look at himself in the mirror is not because he is heartless - it's because he's right. As far as the protesters are concerned, using the University as an experiment in the dangerous field of social engineering is stupid enough, but when the quasi-governmental agency charged with carrying out said experiment is as disorganized and precarious as the WRC, well, only more tumult is on the way.

Honorable Mention

The "It Would All Be Worth It If C.J. Would Just Talk To Me Again" Award

Jay Breslow, ASUO phyrric victor

The "I've Got Noam On the Other Line" Award

Sarah Jacobson, anti-globalization flavor of the month

The Today the Voice, Tomorrow the YM Internship Award

Jen Evans, Voice despot

The Lifetime Achievement Award

Autumn DePoe, closing in on her first decade of undergraduate education

The My Headphones Told Me to Vote 'Yes' Award

Michael Anthony Dixon II, not paying attention

The Bilbo Baggins Award

Randy Newnham, Suite One elf

The I Am Not My Age Award

Jack Clifford, Emerald heir apparent

The Who Forgot To Renew The Nation Subscritpion?

Award Suite One collective, hierarchically-challenged

The Living Proof That There Is An ASUO Newsgroup Award

Autumn DePoe, Jeff Miholer, Brian Wise, bravely posting where no one else posts

The "Gee, I Hope Dave Is Still Gonna Write That Letter For Me" Award

Wylie Chen, future Eugene city councilman

The Improbable Nike Endorsement Award

Willie Thompson, Commiehater hater

The Beads Make The Man Award

Mason West, Emerald Vince Medeiros stand-in

The Silent Z Award

Jereme Grzybowski, unpronounceable senator

The WTO Dismantle-by- Absentee Ballot Award

Spencer Hamlin, ASUO miniature collectible

The NBC Must-See- TV Is My Life Award

Laura Cadiz, Emerald czar

The They'll All Miss Me When I'm Gone Award

Scott Austin, finally promising to leave, hopefully

The "If I Mention The Word 'Beer' One More Time, They'll Just Have to Spew Me" Award

Jessica Timpany, Student Senate potentate

The "When Am I Going to get Spewed in the Commentator?" Award

Jeremy Gibons, impatient former ConCourt Chief

The "I Wasted $6,000" Award

Robin Miller, ASUO Federal Affairs Tycoon

The Reggie White Award for Gridiron Evangelism

Ryan Schmid, Ducks religious magnate

The "I Can Get My Dad To Recycle All of You" Award

Mitra Anoushiravani, waste-management heiress

The ASUO Bores the Hell out of Me Award

Travis Geny, KWVA News Kingpin

The Rotating Cast of Characters Award

Kameron Cole; Napoleon Linardatos; Mason West; Fred Collier; Whit Sheppard, temporary Emerald op-editorializers

Complaints may be directed to:

editor@oregoncommentator.com.

Please wait four to six months for sarcastic reply.